


Sehnsucht

by gnostic_heretic



Series: Hetalia Writers Discord OTP Event [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Forgiveness, Introspection, M/M, Requited Unrequited Love, Reunions, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 06:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15528042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gnostic_heretic/pseuds/gnostic_heretic
Summary: You were the only thing I thought about the whole time.





	Sehnsucht

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the HWD OTP event! The prompts used:  
> -Close.  
> -“You were the only thing I thought about the whole time.”

The place he had chosen for the meeting is an unassuming café in what used to be East Berlin, and Poland can see the simple, crude steel tables on the street, and sitting at one of them, hidden behind a german newspaper, a man with brown curls that he would recognize anywhere, anyday.

Without the uniforms and jackets and ruffles and armour and harvest robes, without the fanfare and cerimonious rituals and the intimacy of their room and without any of the familiar around them, without it all, all that's left is Feliks, himself, and Tolys, in front of him, wearing a black shirt and blue jeans like any other fashionable young man around them. A face in the crowd. Behind a newspaper, he catches a glimpse of his eyes.

The title announces the result of an election in a German Länder that Feliks does not know.

He had no idea that Tolys could read German, when had he learned?  
There is so much he doesn't know, so much he wishes to know.  
So much he wishes to tell.  
He is suspended in time, at the crossroad between infinite possibilities, surrounding him, _suffocating him_.

His heart beats faster, faster, _faster_ , as he approaches him slowly, each step wary and wavering. He wears his best smile, because that's what you do, isn't it?  
" _Labas_ ," Tolys says, simply, as soon as he sees him.  
He does not smile.  
Poland does not respond.  
He gestures at him to sit down. Feliks moves his hand forward, dropping a desperate anchor, his terrible need to touch his face, to make sure it's really him, _to make sure_ , Tolys catches it halfaway, gives him a handshake.  
His hand is not firm as it used to be, and Feliks feels his bones poking out as he lets go.  
The few moments of contact make him feel dizzy.  
He's yearning for more, for so much more...

He has rehearsed this moment so many times throughout this last week, and yet, he cannot come up with a way to break the ice.

Tolys orders a black coffee; he asks for a glass of water, nothing more.

_Lithuania, it's been so long._

No, calling him _Lithuania_ will catch the attention of people around them. Formalities, formalities that should be forgotten, formalities that shouldn't exist between the two of them.  
When two people have been as _close_ as they were, but alas.

_Tolys, how long has it been! We have a lot to catch up on._

But does he want to catch up, does he want to talk? Talk of the marks on his body and the trials and tribulations they've been through. _The Soviet Union collapsed, hysterical, right?_  
No, that won't do.  
Will the truth be good? A honest, open-heart, face-to-face talk...

 

_Tolys, it's been too long. I missed you dearly._

_After all those years, I still..._

_I still love you so much._

 

_Tolys, I've thought about you every night. Did you think of me, too?_

_Hey, Tolys, let's get married again. Let's run to the New World, buy a house with a garden, and a cat, wouldn't that be cute? Like they do in the movies. Let's forget about it all._  
_Forget the commonwealth, forget Poland and Lithuania, forget nations and meetings and wars and all that makes us this, let's be humans now, let's be Feliks and Tolvydas and nothing more._

_Nothing more..._

The waiter brings a black coffee, and a glass of water to their table. Lithuania thanks him, in German, and then proceeds to take a sip of his coffee.  
Poland mirrors him, taking a sip of his water.  
How long is the silence going to last?  
Around them, there's the noise of cars and music and people's chit-chatting, small talk and important business meeting, is anyone talking about anything that matters, right now?  
Tolys looks at him, right into his eyes.  
"I'm sorry I called you here," he says, and finally, _something_ that matters! Because his voice is the only thing, the only sound in the world right now— "I felt the need... suddenly, I felt the need to talk to you. It's been so long."  
Feliks can feel his heart overflowing like a swollen river. It's been so long, so long, so long he could cry, but he mustn't. Not now, not here.  
"It has been a long time, yes. How is Bel— Natalya?"  
Lithuania scoffs, he takes another sip of his coffee, he ends up drinking the whole cup.

  
"She's gone. She said she needed some time alone, ah... I haven't seen her in... a couple years, if I recall correctly..."  
" _Whoa_ , seriously?"  
Poland supposes that a couple years, when you have been alive for _centuries_ , is really not that much. But knowing Lithuania, he must have been devastated.  
"If I have to be honest, that's one reason why I wanted to see you again, Feliks."  
"To tell me about Natalya?"  
"No. I lost her. And some time along the way, I realized that I lost her, the way that you lost me. No. I lost _you_. And I cannot— I could not bear the thought, you know, I couldn't... I had to see you again."  
Tolys is fidgeting with his empty cup, and he is looking away; and Feliks is thankful, so thankful, because he knows that if their eyes were to meet, he would start crying.  
_Crying_! How selfish would that be, seriously?  
But when he sees the tears in Lithuania's eyes, it doesn't seem like that. It's not the same when Tolys is the one who cries, or _doesn't,_ trying so obviously to choke it back and bottle it up once again.  
He tentatively slides a hand on his side of the table, to hold, to comfort.  
Lithuania doesn't take it, though.  
"You never lost me. I was always here."  
"But I was far, far away."  
"We can be close once again, if you could give me another chance..."  
"That's why we are here, aren't we, Feliks?"  
"Yes, but—"  
Feliks hesitates, uncertain. Sometimes words and feelings are unintelligible, just like that— impossible to translate. Nevertheless, he tries.  
"I'm sorry. I'm truly, truly sorry. I've thought about it so much— about you. About _us_.  
Will you forgive me? For everything I've said, everything I've done to you?"

Lithuania, for the first time, smiles.  
"I don't know. But I know..."  
There is a hint of light in Lithuania's eyes, as he lets himself go. Tears roll down his cheeks, and he looks free, like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He has endured so much, too much, and Poland knows that— there's wisdom in his voice, the serene mark of adulthood. The man sitting in front of him is not the youth he married, hundreds of years before. And that's exactly what he wishes Lithuania might see in his eyes as well, as he looks up to his face.  
"Feliks, I've been thinking about you, too."

  
Ah, there it goes! The walls that they built between them, it's gone now, it's all gone!  
Feliks smiles, cries, and extends a hand again: he touches Tolys' cheek to wipe away his tears. A slight, faint, brief touch—but gentle, meaningful. The language of bodies and warmth, lost in translation.  
_Closeness, closeness..._

"Really, Liet? I thought I was alone, hopeless and alone this whole time... and yet we're both hopeless, aren't we?"  
Lithuania chuckles, and retrieves a piece of paper from his pocket.  
_A date. An address. A phone number._  
"Don't be so clueless, Feliks. I thought you'd know me better by now. You were the only thing I thought about the whole time."


End file.
